A Progression of Baby Steps

Week one is done and in the books! The first day came and went faster than we might have expected, and I was thrilled to come home to special notes from both my kids (I posted these to the gallery). Day 2 was expected to be the longest day due to the slow administration of rituxan, but I had no adverse reactions so we got out a bit early and pulled into our street right when the kids got home from school. At this point I'm feeling like Bill Murray in What About Bob ready to shout "I'm sailing! I'm sailing! I sail! I'm a sailor!" Of course I was forgetting that I was actually strapped to the bow and still very much at the whims of the waves around me. While day 3 chemo was pretty straight forward in the morning, I was scheduled for a spinal tap in the afternoon while we were still at the Clinic. The lumbar puncture went according to plan, but the post procedure effects on Wednesday night have lasted 2 more days since (thus demotivating me from writing any updates). I wouldn't call these major side effects but just pesky and annoying - from feeling light headed to achy to nauseous. Meaning I've spent a lot of time laying down and watching Netflix and ESPN in the background (speaking of nausea, I'm a little sick of all the NFL protesting talk). With the up and down of the week, I'm reminded this indeed will be quite a journey that won't let me dictate the pace or path ahead. Before Bob started "sailing", he had to take baby steps to get out of the office, in the elevator, and on the bus to head out of town (after all, he was told to take a vacation from his problems). I too found myself staring at the clock this week whispering "baby step to 4:00, baby step to 4:00..." Taking a further step back, might we all be looking a little too far down the road assuming we have nothing but smooth sailing ahead? What could possibly get in the way of my plans? I have hopes and dreams that need tending and cultivating. Jesus' brother James writes that we can't assume what today or tomorrow might bring because we just don't know. "What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." (James 4:13-15) It does me no good to fast forward toward the end of treatment or make assumptions about how I'll going to feel along the way. Certainly my mind races toward all sorts of scenarios, but we will only follow the path as laid out and guided by God. "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). During this unexpected season, Courtney and I are finding great peace and renewal seeking and discerning the will of God, which is good, acceptable, and perfect. As we all look down at our own paths, is it our feet out in front or have we yielded for someone else to lead the way? Are our eyes fixed on the only One that can actually carry us through the unexpected trials we most certainly will face? Jesus promised, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world." (John 16:33). Paul goes even further to proclaim that we are even more than conquerors through Him who loved us - and nothing will ever separate us from this love (powerful finish to Romans 8). I don't know about you, but I'll take baby steps toward that promise all day long.